Big Book Audiobook
Big Book Audiobook - Family Afterward
Big Book Audiobook · 25:34
Big Book Audiobook - Family Afterward is a recovery audio transcript in the Big Book Audiobook series from Big Book Audiobook. This 25:34 talk is searchable with synced captions and centers on Relationships, Big Book, Alcoholism, Spirituality, Sobriety.
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Chapter 9, The Family Afterward. Our women folk have suggested certain attitudes a
wife may take with a husband who is recovering. Perhaps they created the
impression that he's to be wrapped in cotton wool and placed on a pedestal.
Successful readjustment means the opposite. All members of the family should
meet upon the common ground of tolerance, understanding, and love. This
wife, his children, his in-laws, each one is likely to have fixed ideas about the
family's attitude toward himself or herself. Each is interested in having his
or her wishes respected. We find the more one member of the family demands that
the others concede to him, the more resentful they become. This makes for
discord and unhappiness. And why? Is it not because each wants to play the lead?
Is not each trying to arrange the family show to his liking? Is he not
unconsciously trying to see what he can take from the family life rather than
give? Cessation of drinking is but the first step away from a highly strained
abnormal condition. A doctor said to us, years of living with an alcoholic is
almost sure to make any wife or child neurotic. The entire family is, to some
extent, ill. Let families realize as they start their journey that all will not be
fair weather. Each in his turn may be foot sore and may straggle. There will be
alluring shortcuts and bypass down which they may wander and lose their way.
Suppose we tell you some of the obstacles a family will meet. Suppose we
suggest how they may be avoided, even converted a good use for others. The
return of happiness and security. They remember when father was romantic,
thoughtful, and successful. Today's life is measured against that of other years, and
when it falls short, the family may be unhappy. Family confidence in dad is
rising high. The good old days will soon be back, they think. Sometimes they
demand that dad bring them back instantly. God, they believe, almost owes
this recompense on a long overdue account. But the head of the house has
spent years in pulling down the structures of business, romance, friendship,
health. These things are now ruined or damaged. It will take time to clear away
the wreck. Though all buildings will eventually be replaced by finer ones, the
new structures will take years to complete. Father knows he is to blame. It
may take him many seasons of hard work to be restored financially, but he
shouldn't be reproached. Perhaps he will never have much money again. But the
wise family will admire him for what he is trying to be, rather than for what he
is trying to get. Now and then the family will be plagued by specters from
the past, for the drinking career of almost every alcoholic has been marked
by escapades, funny, humiliating, shameful, or tragic. The first impulse will be to
bury these skeletons in a dark closet and padlock the door. The family may be
possessed by the idea that future happiness can be based only upon
forgetfulness of the past. We think that such a view is self-centered and in
direct conflict with the new way of living. Henry Ford once made a wise
remark to the effect that experience is the thing of supreme value in life.
That is true only if one is willing to turn the past to good account. We grow by
our willingness to face and rectify errors and convert them into assets. The
Alcoholics past thus becomes the principal asset of the family, and
frequently it is almost the only one. This painful past may be of infinite
value to other families still struggling with their problem. We think
each family which has been relieved owes something to those who have not, and when
the occasion requires, each member of it should be only too willing to bring
former mistakes no matter how grievous out of their hiding places. Showing others
who suffer how we were given help is the very thing which makes life seem
so worthwhile to us now. Cling to the thought that in God's hands the dark
past is the greatest possession you have, the key to life and happiness for
others. With it you can avert death and misery for them. It is possible to dig
up past misdeeds so they become a blight, a veritable plague. For example, we know
of situations in which the alcoholic or his wife have had love affairs. In the
first flush of spiritual experience they forgave each other and drew closer
together. The miracle of reconciliation was at hand. Then under one provocation or
another the aggrieved one would unearth the old affair and angrily cast its
ashes about. A few of us have had these growing pains and they hurt a great deal.
Husbands and wives have sometimes been obliged to separate for a time until
new perspective, new victory over hurt pride could be re-won. In most cases the
alcoholic survived this ordeal without relapse, but not always. So we think that
unless some good and useful purpose is to be served, past occurrences should not
be discussed. We families of Alcoholics Anonymous keep few skeletons in the
closet. Everyone knows about the other's alcoholic troubles. This is a
mission which in ordinary life would produce untold grief. There might be
scandalous gossip, laughter at the expense of other people, and a tendency to take
advantage of intimate information. Among us these are rare occurrences. We do talk
about each other a great deal, but we almost invariably temper such talk by a
spirit of love and tolerance. Another principle we observe carefully is that
we do not relate intimate experiences of another person unless we are sure he
would approve. We find it better when possible to stick to our own stories. A
man may criticize or laugh at himself and it will affect others favorably, but
criticism or ridicule coming from another often produces the contrary effect.
Members of a family should watch such matters carefully, for one careless
inconsiderate remark has been known to raise the very devil. We Alcoholics are
sensitive people. It takes some of us a long time to outgrow that serious
handicap. Many Alcoholics are enthusiasts. They run to extremes. At the beginning
of recovery, a man will take as a rule one of two directions. He may either plunge
into a frantic attempt to get on his feet in business, or he may be so
enthralled by his new life that he talks or thinks of little else. In either case,
certain family problems will arise. With these we have had experience galore. We
think it dangerous if he rushes headlong at his economic problem. The family will
be affected also, pleasantly at first, as they feel their money troubles are
about to be solved, then not so pleasantly as they find themselves
neglected. Dad may be tired at night and preoccupied by day. He may take small
interest in the children and may show irritation when reproved for his
delinquencies. If not irritable, he may seem dull and boring, not gay and
affectionate as the family would like him to be. Mother may complain of
inattention. They are all disappointed and often let him feel it. Beginning
with such complaints, a barrier arises. He is straining every nerve to make up for
lost time. He is striving to recover fortune and reputation and feels he's
doing very well. Sometimes mother and children don't think so. Having been
neglected and misused in the past, they think father owes them more than
they're getting. They want him to make a fuss over them. They expect him to give
them the nice times they used to have before he drank so much, and to show
his contrition for what they suffered. But dad doesn't give freely of himself.
Resentment grows. He becomes still less communicative. Sometimes he explodes over
a trifle. The family is mystified. They criticize, pointing out how he is
falling down on his spiritual program. This sort of thing can be avoided. Both
father and the family are mistaken, though each side may have some
justification. It is of little use to argue and only makes the impasse worse.
The family must realize that dad, though marvelously improved, is still
convalescing. They should be thankful he is sober and able to be of this world
once more. Let them praise his progress. Let them remember that his drinking
wrought all kinds of damage that may take long to repair. If they sense
these things, they will not take so seriously his periods of crankiness,
depression, or apathy, which will disappear when there is tolerance, love,
and spiritual understanding. The head of the house ought to remember that he is
mainly to blame for what befell his home. He can scarcely square the account in
his lifetime, but he must see the danger of over concentration on financial
success. Although financial recovery is on the way for many of us, we found we
could not place money first. For us, material well-being always followed
spiritual progress. It never proceeded. Since the home has suffered more than
anything else, it is well that a man exert himself there. He is not likely to get
far in any direction if he fails to show unselfishness and love under his own
roof. We know there are difficult wives and families, but the man who is
getting over alcoholism must remember he did much to make them so. As each member
of a resentful family begins to see his shortcomings and admits them to the
others, he lays a basis for helpful discussion. These family talks will be
constructive if they can be carried on without heated argument, self-pity,
self-justification, or resentful criticism. Little by little, mother and
children will see they ask too much, and father will see he gives too little.
Giving, rather than getting, will become the guiding principle. Assume, on the other
hand, that father has, at the outset, a stirring spiritual experience. Overnight,
as it were, he is a different man. He becomes a religious enthusiast. He is
unable to focus on anything else. As soon as his sobriety begins to be
taken, as a matter of course, the family may look at their strange new dad with
apprehension, then with irritation. There is talk about spiritual matters morning,
noon, and night. He may demand that the family find God in a hurry, or exhibit
amazing indifference to them, and say he is above worldly considerations. He may
tell mother, who's been religious all her life, that she doesn't know what
it's all about, and that she better get his brand of spirituality while there is
yet time. When father takes this tack, the family may react unfavorably. They may be
jealous of a God who has stolen dad's affections. While grateful that he drinks
no more, they may not like the idea that God has accomplished the miracle where
they failed. They often forget father was beyond human aid. They may not see why
their love and devotion did not straighten him out. Dad is not so
spiritual after all, they say. If he means to right his past wrongs, why all this
concern for everyone in the world but his family? What about his talk that God
will take care of them? They suspect father is a bit balmy. He is not so
unbalanced as they might think. Many of us have experienced dad's elation. We
have indulged in spiritual intoxication. Like a gaunt prospector, belt drawn in
over the last ounce of food, our pick struck gold. Joy at our release from a
lifetime of frustration knew no bounds. Father feels he has struck something
better than gold. For a time he may try to hug the new treasure to himself. He
may not see at once that he has barely scratched a limitless load, which will
pay dividends only if he minds it for the rest of his life and insists on giving
away the entire product. If the family cooperates, dad will soon see that he's
suffering from a distortion of values. He will perceive that his spiritual growth
is lopsided, that for an average man like himself, a spiritual life which
does not include his family obligations may not be so perfect after all. If the
family will appreciate that dad's current behavior is but a phase of his
development, all will be well. In the midst of an understanding and
sympathetic family, these vagaries of dad's spiritual infancy will quickly
disappear. The opposite may happen should the family condemn and criticize.
Dad may feel that for years his drinking has placed him on the wrong side
of every argument, but that now he has become a superior person with God on his
side. If the family persists in criticism, this fallacy may take a still greater
hold on father. Instead of treating the family as he should, he may retreat
further into himself and feel he has spiritual justification for so doing.
Though the family does not fully agree with dad's spiritual activities, they
should let him have his head, even if he displays a certain amount of neglect
and irresponsibility toward the family. It is well to let him go as far as he
likes in helping other alcoholics. During those first days of convalescence, this
will do more to ensure his sobriety than anything else. Though some of his
manifestations are alarming and disagreeable, we think dad will be on a
firmer foundation than the man who is placing business or a professional success
ahead of spiritual development. He will be less likely to drink again, and
anything is preferable to that. Those of us who have spent much time in the world
of spiritual make-believe have eventually seen the childishness of it. This dream
world has been replaced by a great sense of purpose, accompanied by a growing
consciousness of the power of God in our lives. We have come to believe he
would like us to keep our heads in the clouds with him, but that our feet ought
to be firmly planted on earth. That is where our fellow travelers are, and that
is where our work must be done. These are the realities for us. We have found
nothing incompatible between a powerful spiritual experience and a life of sane
and happy usefulness. One more suggestion. Whether the family has spiritual
convictions or not, they may do well to examine the principles by which the
alcoholic member is trying to live. They can hardly fail to approve these simple
principles, though the head of the house still fails somewhat in practicing them.
Nothing will help the man who is off on a spiritual tangent so much as the wife
who adopts a sane spiritual program, making a better practical use of it.
There will be other profound changes in the household. Liquor incapacitated father
for so many years that mother became head of the house. She met these
responsibilities gallantly. By force of circumstances, she was often obliged to
treat father as a sick or wayward child. Even when he wanted to assert himself, he
could not, for his drinking placed him constantly in the wrong. Mother made
all the plans and gave the directions. When sober, father usually obeyed. Thus
mother, through no fault of her own, became accustomed to wearing the family
trousers. Father, coming suddenly to life again, often begins to assert himself.
This means trouble, unless the family watches for these tendencies in each
other and comes to a friendly agreement about them. Drinking isolates most homes
from the outside world. Father may have laid aside for years all normal activities,
clubs, civic duties, sports. When he renews interest in such things, a feeling of
jealousy may arise. The family may feel they hold a mortgage on dad so big no
equity should be left for outsiders. Instead of developing new channels of
activity for themselves, mother and children demand that he stay home and
break up the deficiency. At the very beginning, the couple ought to frankly face
the fact that each will have to yield here and there if the family is going to
play an effective part in the new life. Father will necessarily spend much time
with other alcoholics, but this activity should be balanced. New
acquaintances who know nothing of alcoholism might be made and thoughtful
consideration given their needs. The problems of the community might engage
attention, though the family has no religious connections, they may wish to
make contact with or take membership in a religious body. Alcoholics who have
derided religious people will be helped by such contacts. Being possessed of a
spiritual experience, the alcoholic will find he has much in common with
these people, though he may differ with them on many matters. If he does not
argue about religion, he will make new friends and is sure to find new avenues
of usefulness and pleasure. He and his family can be a bright spot in such
congregations. He may bring new hope and new courage to many a priest, minister, or
rabbi who gives his all to minister to our troubled world. We intend the
foregoing as a helpful suggestion only. So far as we are concerned, there is
nothing obligatory about it. As non-denominational people, we cannot make
up others' minds for them. Each individual should consult his own
conscience. We have been speaking to you of serious, sometimes tragic things. We have
been dealing with alcohol in its worst aspect. But we aren't a glum lot. If
newcomers could see no joy or fun in our existence, they wouldn't want it. We
absolutely insist on enjoying life. We try not to indulge in cynicism over
the state of the nations, nor do we carry the world's troubles on our
shoulders. When we see a man sinking into the mire that is alcoholism, we give him
first aid and place what we have at his disposal. For his sake, we do recount and
almost relive the horrors of our past. But those of us who have tried to
shoulder the entire burden and trouble of others find we are soon overcome by
them. So we think cheerfulness and laughter make for usefulness. Outsiders
are sometimes shocked when we burst into the merriment over a seemingly tragic
experience out of the past. But why shouldn't we laugh? We have recovered and
have been given the power to help others. Everybody knows that those in bad
health and those who seldom play do not laugh much. So let each family play
together more separately, as much as their circumstances warrant. We are sure
God wants us to be happy, joyous, and free. We cannot subscribe to the belief
that this life is a veil of tears, though it once was just that for many
of us. But it is clear that we made our own misery. God didn't do it. Avoid then
the deliberate manufacture of misery. But if trouble comes, cheerfully
capitalize it as an opportunity to demonstrate His omnipotence. Now about
health. A body badly burned by alcohol does not often recover overnight, nor do
twisted thinking and depression vanish in a twinkling. We are convinced that a
spiritual mode of living is a most powerful health restorative. We who have
recovered from serious drinking are miracles of mental health. But we have
seen remarkable transformations in our bodies. Hardly one of our crowd now shows
any mark of dissipation. But this does not mean that we disregard human health
measures. God has abundantly supplied this world with fine doctors,
psychologists, and practitioners of various kinds. Do not hesitate to take
your health problems to such persons. Most of them give freely of
themselves that their fellows may enjoy sound minds and bodies. Try to remember
that though God has wrought miracles among us, we should never be little, a good
doctor or psychiatrist. Their services are often indispensable in treating a
newcomer and in following his case afterward. One of the many doctors who
had the opportunity of reading this book in manuscript form told us that the
use of sweets was often helpful. Of course, depending upon a doctor's advice,
he thought all alcoholics should constantly have chocolate available for
its quick energy value at times of fatigue. He added that occasionally in
the night a vague craving arose which would be satisfied by candy. Many of us
have noticed a tendency to eat sweets and have found this practice beneficial.
A word about sex relations. Alcohol is so sexually stimulating to some men
that they have overindulged. Couples are occasionally dismayed to find that
when drinking is stopped, the man tends to be impotent. Unless the reason is
understood, there may be an emotional upset. Some of us had this experience
only to enjoy, in a few months, a finer intimacy than ever. There should be no
hesitancy in consulting a doctor or psychologist if the condition persists.
We do not know of many cases where this difficulty lasted long. The
alcoholic may find it hard to re-establish friendly relations with his
children. Their young minds were impressionable while he was drinking.
Without saying so, they may cordially hate him for what he's done to them and to
their mother. The children are sometimes dominated by a pathetic hardness and
cynicism. They cannot seem to forgive and forget. This may hang on for months,
long after their mother has accepted dad's new way of living and thinking.
In time, they will see that he is a new man, and in their own way, they will let
him know it. When this happens, they can be invited to join in morning
meditation, and then they can take part in the daily discussion without rancor
or bias. From that point on, progress will be rapid. Marvelous results often
follow such a reunion. Whether the family goes on a spiritual basis or not, the
alcoholic member has to if he would recover. The others must be convinced of
his new status beyond the shadow of a doubt. Seeing is believing to most
families who have lived with a drinker. Here is a case in point. One of our
friends is a heavy smoker and coffee drinker. There was no doubt he over
was helpful. His wife commenced to admonish him about it. He admitted he was
overdoing these things, but frankly said that he was not ready to stop. His wife is
one of those persons who really feels there is something rather sinful about
these commodities. So she nagged, and her intolerance finally threw him into a fit
of anger. He got drunk. Of course, our friend was wrong, dead wrong. He had to
painfully admit that and mend his spiritual fences. Though he is now a most
effective member of Alcoholics Anonymous, he still smokes and drinks coffee, but
neither his wife nor anyone else stands in judgment. She sees she was wrong to
make a burning issue out of such a matter when his more serious ailments
were being rapidly cured. We have three little mottos which are apropos.
Here they are. First things first, live and let live, easy does it.